Great month!
Hunter was baptized, we celebrated Kelly’s birthday, went on vacation which included trips to many temples, a family reunion, and hikes, we went swimming…a lot and Kelly and I celebrated our wedding anniversary by spending a Saturday together.
Once again, as I read this morning, is the example of pride entering into the hearts of the people and begin walking in wickedness, rejecting the warning to walk uprightly before God. It is the result of the richness of their blessing and seeing themselves as “smarter” than their leaders or even God. I wrote down a question: How do I keep pride from my life? to ponder as I read. I really don’t see myself as smarter than my leaders or God. I know that I get impatient with answers, which could be the beginning of walking that path. And the richness of my blessings, I know come from God. So I was having a hard time feeling like a was getting a real, workable answer to that question. I continued to read and wrote down these words—“blessings (riches) become way to measure worth”.
Aha!
I do that all the time. Kind of in reverse, though. I let the lack of blessings, that I think should be happening, make me sad and question my worth in God’s eyes.
Wow…that seems pretty prideful to me—definitely have a workable answer there! And real work to do.
He was baptized with several other kids from our ward at the stake center. He was so excited and happy.
Reading this morning, makes me think I need to pause the regular programming and listen to a word from my sponsor. Alma warns that if we want mercy, righteous judgment and good done to us we need to send those same things outward. It part of the law of restoration. I immediately thought of R&R, (my foster’s parents). Where is the line of giving those things to be helpful or actually hurtful by being enabling. Enabling is probably more of a worldly ideas than a heavenly one. I believe that we shouldn’t judge in general, but yet it is given us to judge righteously. We must judge to choose friends, partners activities etc.
Having an addiction is hard to overcome, or I guess to be fully honest, I imagine and I understand from others that it is extremely difficult. I am so thankful that I am not in that position. And not being with your children, again is devastating. So I can see where I need to show more love and mercy. There choices affect me directly, so it is hard to not judge them. How do I help them, really help them, if I don’t expect from them some choices that improve their circumstances? But is that even my place? What does Heavenly Father want me to do? There have been events this week, that have caused me to be so angry that I feel justified in expressing that anger. I am justified because I am standing up for myself and not letting them get away with anything. That isn’t mercy. But I honestly don’t know which is right.
I know I need to be guided by the spirit. And maybe I need to study mercy. I know that they are children of God, and that he loves them. His desire is to have them return to him, just as much as me. I feel like I am the only one---we, Kelly and I, are the only ones doing any work to see that that happens—the earthly work. I know the atonement will work for them. I ask for an increase of love for them in my prayers, because I know I need help with that. I pray for it because I know He has it. I don’t rejoice in their suffering. I do wonder about if it is healthy for the kids to ever go back…for the kids sake, not because I want to see them suffer.
It is hard. I want to be Christlike. I hope that I am learning to be more like Him as I struggle with these questions and feelings and not moving farther away.
I have been doing art journals with the kids this summer. It is a class I signed up for from Big Picture Scrapbooking. It gives us a journal and art assignment each day, mostly about the summer and about yourself. The kids really enjoy it. At first, it was hard to get them to do it, then once they did they liked it. On this particular day, we were to toss a coin to tell us to turn left or right. We decided on 20 tosses, so when there was an intersection that would go left and right, we tossed the coin and let the coin decided where we went. We wandered around in then desert around our hours for a while, then we ended up crossing over the freeway and driving around in Jared and Melanie’s old neck of the woods. We were hoping for a stop at some fun and exciting place like an ice cream shop, but we just ended up at a plain old corner!
What was so funny though, was as we were driving around, a storm warning came on then radio. It looked like it would get bad, and there was plenty of lightening, but it mostly blew over, with just a few raindrops. It made the kids nervous though, so that added to our adventure.
After our drive about town, I took them to lunch for another entry in our journals about having good manners. We tried a new place for Hunter, but he did great. In fact, he chose to go back there again for his baptism celebration.
Here is a picture from our night of hair…they played with mine and Maryn’s. Ellie did this and it actually turned out pretty good!
Then just a funny thing…I can’t remember now what was so scary, but Ellie made us all laugh when she said she was so scared she had to bite Maryn’s nails!
I am reading in Alma, where he is giving his words to his sons and that inspired me for this post. Although, it isn’t quite the same. I am not old…at least not as old as I am going to get, so these aren’t my final commandments and blessings!
And, just so you know. The kids are up and probably waiting for me to get breakfast, but I am making them wait for you. (wink)
First of all, I understand when you say you want to give up. I have felt that way myself. It is discouraging to feel like you are doing your best to do what is right and yet the blessings aren’t there. I don’t need to tell you who those feelings come from. They are still there and hard to ignore. But there in lies the test--to see if you choose to still have faith and keep going. I see it like training a dog. He get a treat every time, and immediately when he does something right and then he is trained. But you are not here to be trained, you are here to choose. So there are no treats every time and you have to look for the blessings that do come, so that you are fully engaging in agency.
Alma 37:38-47 Alma teaches Helaman about how the Liahona was a pattern for our lives. Read it, but the simplified version is that when they were obedient, it worked and led them to the promised land. Easy right? It was designed by God, so it was simple, but not easy. Just like it is easy to read the scriptures and obey them and find our own promised land. Simple, but not easy as we use the word easy. Why did Nephi and Sam see how easy it was, but not Laman and Lemuel? Because they chose it. There were days when the spindles pointed and it looked just like the day before and the day before that—and the days before that. Ocean. Ocean as far as the eyes could see in every direction. No promised land in sight. (Ah, in sight.) But the promised land was promised and that is what they believed in. God keeps His promises. So they chose to be obedient and follow the spindles, even when they couldn’t see a change or progression.
I know it isn’t easy. And it seems like there is no progress, but there is. Every time you get back in the game, and choose to simply follow God, to read and pray and hope, you are progressing. And one day he will turn those simple (not easy) choices into something great and marvelous. That is how he works, small and simple means-vs. 7
You are going to be okay, more than okay. Even in your sorrow, you recognize an answer to prayer. That is so awesome! I know God loves you. He is asking you to do hard things. That shows His love for you. Follow the promptings that He gives you. That is how you show your trust in His plan.
And I know that you are kidding—mostly—about Hawaii. But just a word of caution. I have seen you do this before. Don’t just react. If Hawaii is where the Lord wants you that is one thing, but the only thing that really matters is that…Finding out where He wants you. And if you just react, you won’t be listening. Happiness can be found anywhere, especially if we are where we are supposed to be. His opinion is the only one you need to worry about following—not cousins, or aunts or dad or mom. Just kidding
And my final thought…for now. I have learned in these recent months, that some things can’t change, I can’t just be “delivered”. No Lamanites are just put to sleep so I can walk on out of the city. My prayers for God to fix, or change something go unanswered. But when I pray for strength to endure. That prayer is answered. every. time. It is answered because after I pray I get up and do—believing I will get help. Your job He said change, so you change. Being single, or frustrated with room mates, or (fill in the black) those things may not be changed in the near future so pray for strength, each day and hour if necessary. I find myself in the “water closet” many times in prayer. I go there to “go” and I am by myself and it is quiet, and I am at my wits end and I pray--“Help me dear Father to make it one more hour”. And He does. I get the strength to use my agency and choose the better way and then I get the strength to do it. He will do that for you. I am not special. He does it for any who ask and believe.
He loves you. I love you. That is my real final thought.
