Size of Faith

"The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know."--Jeffrey R Holland
That is my “take-away” saying from conference in April. There were so many great talks, with many things that strengthened me and that I learned. But that statement about living what you know really sank deep into my heart. I think because I feel like I am being tested that way—that the circumstances I am in are such that I am proving if I will live what I believe. I hope I am  getting a passing grade!
I haven’t been talking much about what is going on, or my feelings and I am not totally clear as to why. I don’t feel like I have very much time and there is so much going on. Having the kids is a lot. It is HARD. I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t know it would be this hard. Health issues, which is a new concern for me. I have always been fairly healthy, so grateful that I haven’t had to worry much. Kelly continues to travel, monthly. And of course, my own girls need my attention too. It just feels like there is so much right now-important things, that my attention, work and prayers. And so much that is just unknown-am I doing enough, and doing it right? is it going to all work out?
Because of all those questions and fears, desires and hopes I rely on what I believe and what I know and try to live those principles with integrity. I am not perfect, but I am trying to give my best effort.

• I believe that my Heavenly Father is aware of me, of all of us. I believe that His way will—eventually--lead to the best outcome, that we will have joy. So I pray for direction and for the help and strength I need to do what needs to be done. I am working on trusting His timeline.
• I believe in the Atonement. I rely on the enabling power of the atonement every day to make it through each day. So I try to remember Christ at all times. I try to remember to do what He would do. I know that I am strengthened by Christ everyday. There is no way I would be able to go on without His help.
• I know the scriptures are true and that they are blessing. So I study them and seek counsel and strength from them. I look for answers in them, by looking for the evidences of God’s love and his “dealings” with His people.
• I believe faith is action, so I try not to spend very much time feeling sorry for myself and instead get to work. I try to choose to be hopeful. That is hard when things feel impossible, but prayer and examples from the scriptures help me when I am weak.
• I believe in the Holy Ghost and I try to listen to his promptings and follow through with the direction I receive. I am still learning how to recognize his voice.
• I believe in the sanctity of the family, so my decisions are based on that belief. I try to be a good example of what a family should be like. I have to work to keep from taking things personal and making decisions when my feelings are hurt.

I am sure there are more things that I should think of—but these are what keep me going. There are good days. There are days where I know I just can’t do it and the desire to quit is overpowering, nothing like I have ever felt before. Yet, I do. I know it is through the blessings of my Heavenly Father made possible because of the atonement.