Not So Different

Once again, as I read this morning, is the example of pride entering into the hearts of the people and begin walking in wickedness, rejecting the warning to walk uprightly before God. It is the result of the richness of their blessing and seeing themselves as “smarter” than their leaders or even God. I wrote down a question: How do I keep pride from my life? to ponder as I read. I really don’t see myself as smarter than my leaders or God. I know that I get impatient with answers, which could be the beginning of walking that path. And the richness of my blessings, I know come from God. So I was having a hard time feeling like a was getting a real, workable answer to that question. I continued to read and wrote down these words—“blessings (riches) become way to measure worth”.

Aha!

I do that all the time. Kind of in reverse, though. I let the lack of blessings, that I think should be happening, make me sad and question my worth in God’s eyes.

Wow…that seems pretty prideful to me—definitely have a workable answer there! And real work to do.

Hunter’s Baptism

Yeah!  We finally made it to Hunter’s baptism day. We have been waiting for a long time for this day. His desire was great, and  his heart was ready, so he just kept asking till he finally got the ok!

He was baptized with several other kids from our ward at the stake center. He was so excited and happy.

Ammon Larsen baptized him and Kelly confirmed him. After the baptism we went over to Rick and Rustin’s for a little celebration. He asked his mom to make some lemon bars—one of his favorites.

 

 

 

 

Pause for Reflection

Reading this morning, makes me think I need to pause the regular programming and listen to a word from my sponsor. Alma warns that if we want mercy, righteous judgment and good done to us we need to send those same things outward. It part of the law of restoration. I immediately thought of R&R, (my foster’s parents). Where is the line of giving those things to be helpful or actually hurtful by being enabling. Enabling is probably more of a worldly ideas than a heavenly one. I believe that we shouldn’t judge in general, but yet it is given us to judge righteously. We must judge to choose friends, partners activities etc.

Having an addiction is hard to overcome, or I guess to be fully honest, I imagine and I understand from others that it is extremely difficult. I am so thankful that I am not in that position. And not being with your children, again is devastating. So I can see where I need to show more love and mercy. There choices affect me directly, so it is hard to not judge them. How do I help them, really help them, if I don’t expect from them some choices that improve their circumstances? But is that even my place? What does Heavenly Father want me to do? There have been events this week, that have caused me to be so angry that I feel justified in expressing that anger. I am justified because I am standing up for myself and not letting them get away with anything. That isn’t mercy. But I honestly don’t know which is right.

I know I need to be guided by the spirit. And maybe I need to study mercy. I know that they are children of God, and that he loves them. His desire is to have them return to him, just as much as me. I feel like I am the only one---we, Kelly and I, are the only ones doing any work to see that that happens—the earthly work. I know the atonement will work for them. I ask for an increase of love for them in my prayers, because I know I need help with that. I pray for it because I know He has it. I don’t rejoice in their suffering. I do wonder about if it is healthy for the kids to ever go back…for the kids sake, not because I want to see them suffer.

It is hard. I want to be Christlike. I hope that I am learning to be more like Him as I struggle with these questions and feelings and not moving farther away.

Kid Fun

I have been doing art journals with the kids this summer. It is a class I signed up for from Big Picture Scrapbooking. It gives us a journal and art assignment each day, mostly about the summer and about yourself. The kids really enjoy it. At first, it was hard to get them to do it, then once they did they liked it. On this particular day, we were to toss a coin to tell us to turn left or right. We decided on 20 tosses, so when there was an intersection that would go left and right, we tossed the coin and let the coin decided where we went. We wandered around in then desert around our hours for a while, then we ended up crossing over the freeway and driving around in Jared and Melanie’s old neck of the woods. We were hoping for a stop at some fun and exciting place like an ice cream shop, but we just ended up at a plain old corner!

 

What was so funny though, was as we were driving around, a storm warning came on then radio. It looked like it would get bad, and there was plenty of lightening, but it mostly blew over, with just a few raindrops. It made the kids nervous though, so that added to our adventure.

After our drive about town, I took them to lunch for another entry in our journals about having good manners. We tried a new place for Hunter, but he did great. In fact, he chose to go back there again for his baptism celebration.

Here is a picture from our night of hair…they played with mine and Maryn’s. Ellie did this and it actually turned out pretty good!

Then just a funny thing…I can’t remember now what was so scary, but Ellie made us all laugh when she said she was so scared she had to bite Maryn’s nails!

Fun Friends

We got a fun invitation from our friends the Murdocks. They offered their pool and firepit for a fun evening of swim, roasting hot dogs and s’mores. We swam our little hearts out then enjoyed a yummy meal together. One important note--Kelly made me the perfect s’more. 

To Maryn

I am reading in Alma, where he is giving his words to his sons and that inspired me for this post. Although, it isn’t quite the same. I am not old…at least not as old as I am going to get, so these aren’t my final commandments and blessings!

And, just so you know. The kids are up and probably waiting for me to get breakfast, but I am making them wait for you. (wink)

First of all, I understand when you say you want to give up. I have felt that way myself. It is discouraging to feel like you are doing your best to do what is right and yet the blessings aren’t there. I don’t need to tell you who those feelings come from. They are still there and hard to ignore. But there in lies the test--to see if you choose to still have faith and keep going. I see it like training a dog. He get a treat every time, and immediately when he does something right and then he is trained. But you are not here to be trained, you are here to choose. So there are no treats every time and you have to look for the blessings that do come, so that you are fully engaging in agency.

Alma 37:38-47 Alma teaches Helaman about how the Liahona was  a pattern for our lives. Read it, but the simplified version is that when they were obedient, it worked and led them to the promised land. Easy right? It was designed by God, so it was simple, but not easy. Just like it is easy to read the scriptures and obey them and find our own promised land. Simple, but not easy as we use the word easy. Why did Nephi and Sam see how easy it was, but not Laman and Lemuel? Because they chose it. There were days when the spindles pointed and it looked just like the day before and the day before that—and the days before that. Ocean. Ocean as far as the eyes could see in every direction. No promised land in sight. (Ah, in sight.) But the promised land was promised and that is what they believed in. God keeps His promises. So they chose to be obedient and follow the spindles, even when they couldn’t see a change or progression.

I know it isn’t easy. And it seems like there is no progress, but there is. Every time you get back in the game, and choose to simply follow God, to read and pray and hope, you are progressing. And one day he will turn those simple (not easy) choices into something great and marvelous. That is how he works, small and simple means-vs. 7

You are going to be okay, more than okay. Even in your sorrow, you recognize an answer to prayer. That is so awesome! I know God loves you. He is asking you to do hard things. That shows His love for you. Follow the promptings that He gives you. That is how you show your trust in His plan.

And I know that you are kidding—mostly—about Hawaii. But just a word of caution. I have seen you do this before. Don’t just react. If Hawaii is where the Lord wants you that is one thing, but the only thing that really matters is that…Finding out where He wants you. And if you just react, you won’t be listening. Happiness can be found anywhere, especially if we are where we are supposed to be. His opinion is the only one you need to worry about following—not cousins, or aunts or dad or mom. Just kidding

And my final thought…for now. I have learned in these recent months, that some things can’t change, I can’t just be “delivered”. No Lamanites are just put to sleep so I can walk on out of the city. My prayers for God to fix, or change something go unanswered. But when I pray for strength to endure. That prayer is answered. every. time. It is answered because after I pray I get up and do—believing I will get help. Your job He said change, so you change. Being single, or frustrated with room mates, or (fill in the black) those things may not be changed in the near future so pray for strength, each day and hour if necessary. I find myself in the “water closet” many times in prayer. I go there to “go” and I am by myself and it is quiet, and I am at my wits end and I pray--“Help me dear Father to make it one more hour”. And He does. I get the strength to use my agency and choose the better way and then I get the strength to do it. He will do that for you. I am not special. He does it for any who ask and believe.

He loves you. I love you. That is my real final thought.

Fruit Meet For Repentance

After Alma teaches about prayer and repentance he then tells the Zoramites and ME that if I forget to have charity than my prayer for forgiveness is in vain and I am nothing more than a hypocrite. I must remember to be charitable and bring fruit unto repentance. I looked up the scriptures in the foot notes in an earlier chapter in Alma and in Mathew and Luke all describing “fruit meet for repentance”. The word “meet” meaning worthy or appropriate. As I pondered these things, I believe what Alma is trying to teach is that in order for repentance to be complete and real there must be a change of heart. Our changed hearts will bring us to charitable actions. Proof, in a way, that we are truly repentant. If our desires and actions remain the same, than our repentance really is in vain, and for nothing. As we repent and become more like Christ, charitable acts will become a part of us and we won’t have to think about doing them just as they who Christ is. What we love most about Christ is His charity, the way he lived His life but more importantly His ultimate act of charity-- as He suffered, died and rose again to provide the way back to the Father.

Thanks Alma for teaching me…

…some important lessons. I read about his missionary journey to reactivate the Zoramites today. He believes in power of the word of God so deeply. I think sometimes I forget that learning and living the gospel is the best way to make changes in me and others. I thought of Rick and Rustin and how frustrated I get with them. I am losing the battle to love them as Christ does. As time goes on, I just feel more and more frustrated and angry with them. But I wondered at what kind of answer I would find if I applied Alma’s example. Of course so much of that depends on their choices, which I have no faith in, but of course everyone can benefit from learning and living principles. But how can I help facilitate that? more discussion or challenges given in phone calls to talk about the gospel with their children, or give in and get them into our home? I am not sure I want to go down that path

So back to me and what I can learn and do.

The Zoramites had knowledge of the gospel, they were members, but they didn’t keep the commandments. Their disobedience kept them from having the spirit. They forgot to do the basics that bring us closer to Christ and allow his to draw closer to us—praying and studying everyday. But I am not so different from the Zoramites and their Rameumpton if all I do is attend church on Sunday and do nothing else during the week—no prayer, study, service or repenting. If I go to church but then spend my week just focusing on obtaining riches, or cheating, judging or being prideful in any way, I really am no better

Alma prays for the strength and patience he needs to endure the trials that will come because of the their wickedness and the difficult task he has to live and teach there. He also prays for success, the power and wisdom needed to help bring them back. he never prayed for a different job, or the Lord to make it alright instantly etc. Many times I pray for the wrong kind of answers. I want the Lord to fix things instead of strengthening me in whatever I need to come through the issue. His prayer was given in faith and as a result the Holy Ghost came with power to give to each of his companions.

The answer to his prayer is a miracle, so beautiful. They didn’t hunger or thirst, no affliction was so great that they couldn’t feel the joy of Christ.

Wow!

Given everything they needed to endure, given more that they thought was possible. All because of a faith filled, righteous prayer.

Ellie’s Quail Encounter

Ellie caught a baby quail in a box. She worked at it…hard. I didn’t realize what she was doing till she came in the house with it. She had been outside for a while, and was sweaty and scratched a bit from climbing around in the bushes. We took a picture and then told her she had to release it back to its mother. I was worried that she had just killed a baby quail, but it was able to be reunited with its family just fine. Ellie really loves animals—all kinds and sizes, pets and wild things too. I hope she grows up to be a veterinarian or something like that—not just a weird cat or dog lay with too many animals to really care for!

Draw Near Unto Me

Elder Eyring’s talk in the latest conference “Come Unto Me” gave me a little “line upon line” moment as he taught about how I can draw nearer unto Christ and more importantly to recognize when He is drawing nearer to me. Once again, the importance of obedience is so clear, but he also talks about service to others. Most of what I learned is that I need to have faith, believe in the promises that are stated in verses such as D&C 88:63 which says “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you…” or the promise that Elder Eyring states “Every covenant servant of His within His kingdom on earth and in the spirit world will receive His guidance by the Spirit as they bless and serve others for Him. And they will feel His love and find joy in being drawn closer to Him.

And I need to pay attention. I need to look for the ways those promises are being fulfilled. That is one of the things I would say that I have learned from having Ellie and Hunter here with us. I know that I receive strength to endure and to change my attitude.

My favorite promise that Elder Eyring say is “My promise to you who pray and serve the Lord cannot be that you will have every blessing you may wish for yourself and your family. But I can promise you that the Savior will draw close it you and bless you and your family with what is best.”

One other favorite quote was about the priesthood. The same priesthood used to create the world, that the Savior used to perform miracles is a part of our lives now, today. What a tremendous blessing but a loving Father.

It is amazing that we are loved so deeply by a perfect, powerful God and His Son. That they want us to come to them, they invite us and show us the way.

Cub Scout Day Camp

Hunter and I attended day camp at Camp Lawton. Should I just leave it there? I agreed to go in about April, as a parent. Then I ended up going as a leader.

If I went today, I think I would be able to write a different story, but I should write the one that is real, I guess.

The only thing good about that day was that I was up in the mountains and that Kelly sent the sweetest note in with my lunch.  A reminder that he loved me and he knew that God loved me. Of course, I cried. But only Hunter saw that.

I just don’t get boys! When I tell my story about the day, those mother’s of boys just laugh. One of my favorite examples are Frisbee golf. We have about 40 minutes to each of our activities and some of them were great. The boys played 4-way tug of war, and could have played longer, archery, rubber band guns also felt like the time was just too short. But when it was our turn for Frisbee golf, I thought I would go nuts. They played the “game” of golf for barely 5 minutes and then the game became hit everyone you can with the Frisbee. It didn’t matter how much we said, don’t throw so hard, or don’t aim at people. They changed the rules to the game and there was not stopping them. We painted pet rocks too…disaster.

I came home and immediately called the boys punks! I was so happy to be home, but very unhappy about my experiences. It didn’t help my attitude about my calling very much. Looking back now, I can see that my attitude played the biggest role in how the day went. I should have relaxed and played with the boys.

But enough about me. Hunter thoroughly enjoyed the day. He was already a pro at archery, one of his favorite activities. He enjoyed most everything but his very favorite was making the knotted wrist bands. That is right up his alley!

I made a layout last week about our day for a challenge on the Jessica Sprauge website

Repenting

Okay. So, I am not sure if I can chalk this lack of posting to just being busy. It might be that I have been in the middle of repenting. Repentance is not easy, nor a quick fix. I am still trying to make my heart changed, not just my actions. That is when you know that you are truly repentant. I am not quite there. Yet.

I received a new calling at the beginning of this month. Cub Scout Den Leader. Wolf pack to be specific---Hunter’s leader.

I cried.

I am sorry to admit that. It isn’t that I don’t know a thing about scouting, although that is true. With two girls, I didn’t have to do it as a mother and I was just never called. I didn’t cry because I hate the idea of scouting. I believe in scouting. I married a scout lover and he has served in scouts enough time for the both of us! I cried a little because of the fact that I work with boys, 8 year old ones. I don’t get boys. Punks. :) But I knew I could work through that. Hunter is teaching me to appreciate little boys. What I really cried about was that it was this calling, at this time. That hour that I drop Hunter off, is one of the very few breaks I get. And when the call was issued I immediately felt misunderstood and forgotten--by God. Because If He really loved me, He would understand all that I was feeling. The only other option was that my leaders were not giving this call under His direction. I came home and cried for hours, feeling very sorry for myself. I felt abandoned, frustrated and angry and then guilty for all of those thoughts and feelings. I told Kelly that my life felt like one big joke to Heavenly Father. My heart hurt and I felt such anguish. Then I would feel like a spoiled child who didn’t get her way. It was--and still is--an emotional rollercoaster.

It didn’t take very long to get control of physical self, to stop crying, whining and complaining. But it has taken longer to get control of my feelings and thoughts. I am sorry for the way I reacted and my actions. What I am the most sorry about, is that once again, I didn’t trust. I went to that all too familiar place where I doubt and question, and think I know best.

So, back to how this is a process. You see, I get to practice. Each week as I drive to scouts and I feel like crying, I remind myself that I want to be an instrument in His hands and to do that I have to do what He asks. I want to put my will aside and do HIS will. I want to become what He sees in me.

At the end of our discussion about the call, Bro Hartzell said that he looked forward to hearing what it was the Lord wanted me to learn by serving as a den leader.

So do I. And I remember to look for that too.

June Collage

Once again, I need to go back and catch up the blog—but here is the month of June in a nutshell.

Hunter and I started off the month with a day up at cub scout day camp, Kelly went on a high adventure with the teachers quorum, the kids and I spent a long weekend with Maryn and Kelsey, and we started our vacation—Grand Canyon, St George, Ut and Tuacahn for Mary Poppins.

It was a hot month, but a great one!