Repenting

Okay. So, I am not sure if I can chalk this lack of posting to just being busy. It might be that I have been in the middle of repenting. Repentance is not easy, nor a quick fix. I am still trying to make my heart changed, not just my actions. That is when you know that you are truly repentant. I am not quite there. Yet.

I received a new calling at the beginning of this month. Cub Scout Den Leader. Wolf pack to be specific---Hunter’s leader.

I cried.

I am sorry to admit that. It isn’t that I don’t know a thing about scouting, although that is true. With two girls, I didn’t have to do it as a mother and I was just never called. I didn’t cry because I hate the idea of scouting. I believe in scouting. I married a scout lover and he has served in scouts enough time for the both of us! I cried a little because of the fact that I work with boys, 8 year old ones. I don’t get boys. Punks. :) But I knew I could work through that. Hunter is teaching me to appreciate little boys. What I really cried about was that it was this calling, at this time. That hour that I drop Hunter off, is one of the very few breaks I get. And when the call was issued I immediately felt misunderstood and forgotten--by God. Because If He really loved me, He would understand all that I was feeling. The only other option was that my leaders were not giving this call under His direction. I came home and cried for hours, feeling very sorry for myself. I felt abandoned, frustrated and angry and then guilty for all of those thoughts and feelings. I told Kelly that my life felt like one big joke to Heavenly Father. My heart hurt and I felt such anguish. Then I would feel like a spoiled child who didn’t get her way. It was--and still is--an emotional rollercoaster.

It didn’t take very long to get control of physical self, to stop crying, whining and complaining. But it has taken longer to get control of my feelings and thoughts. I am sorry for the way I reacted and my actions. What I am the most sorry about, is that once again, I didn’t trust. I went to that all too familiar place where I doubt and question, and think I know best.

So, back to how this is a process. You see, I get to practice. Each week as I drive to scouts and I feel like crying, I remind myself that I want to be an instrument in His hands and to do that I have to do what He asks. I want to put my will aside and do HIS will. I want to become what He sees in me.

At the end of our discussion about the call, Bro Hartzell said that he looked forward to hearing what it was the Lord wanted me to learn by serving as a den leader.

So do I. And I remember to look for that too.